Crazy Like a Fox!

If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyse I see your face
-Sting and the Police, "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You"

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Well boys and girls and hermaphrodites, I must say that I'm elated to hear that people are actually reading this blog and it's making them "laugh out loud". That's "lol" for you kids on the instant messenger. Anyway, I realized I'd reached a new techno-geek level when I started communicating with a person on my couch via their online journal. This is not only sad but goes against my natural rock-like tendencies of staying at rest. I avoided the easy method of forcing air through my larynx to go and type a response on my computer. Why? Because I can express myself better in print. This is what I love about being online, I can say anything I want without the complication of having a person to say it to. I mean this is me at my finest folks, sitting in my chair probably only partially dressed, Pringles crumbs on my face, and only the porn video running in the background keeping me awake as I type my heart away on this blog. Ok, I made up the porn thing but it seemed like a fun thing to say. In fact, if I didn't think that most of the people I've met online were hideous, albino, circus freaks, I'd do all my dating online. This is a fact that hasn't been proven wrong to me by any persons that I've met online and seen. Sorry, I didn't mean to get off topic... in fact most of the people who read this and have never met me probably don't realize that I am a freaky, albino, circus midget. So its ok. I'm only making fun of my own hideous comrades. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm good at typing at people. I wish I could woo women over instant messenger where I have time to think about what I say. As is, I sometimes type without thinking... hmmm but at least I have DeadAim to record every little faux paus. I bet the line, "You're fat!" wouldn't work nearly so well on AIM. It's the subtle nuances of expression that I use when I say it that the women fall for.

STUPIDEST THING I'VE SAID IN THE LAST MONTH:
"Why are you taking your clothes off?" -Me, confused in bed to girl in doorway.

So I bet you wonder what I've been doing since April 19th. Well me too because I don't really remember enough to bore you with it. It goes something like this. Room party. Tron. Room party. Room Party. Bars. Party. Bars. Party. Room Party. Sprinkle a few alcoholic beverages in there and its an approximation of my week. And mom if you're reading this, I studied a lot too. Well its mostly stuff you don't wanna hear about so I'm going to take you on a magical journy instead to a land called Mushkinland. It's home to the Magical Mush Mush Men and their Beautiful Mish Mush Women. And you'd think they'd get along fabulously but they don't because despite all their faery magic the Mush Mush Men can't ever get the Mish Mush Women to experiment with anal. Its not that they don't want to but the Mush Mush Men are simply too large for them. That's why I'm going to be a plastic surgeon in Mushkinland specializing in penis reduction. Its an untapped market! I'll be rich! MUAHAHAHA! AND THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY!

MINDFUCK OF THE WEEK:
Bluey*: So how're room picks going?
Me: Actually someone picked your room that you've been working on.
Bluey: You're shitting me!!!
Me: Yes. Yes I am.
Bluey: Mindfuck!

*Once again all names have been changed to protect myself from lawsuits and annoying phone calls

Drunk Blog Time

Oh its you again blessing you with every kiss
So precious you know this hate of mine exploded
I'm so deranged you know I will never be the same.
-Orgy, "Stitches"

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Well I'm drunk on a Friday night, surprise, surprise. This of course is the best time to talk about relationships. I'm going to take the time here to tell you that I am a terrible gambler. This is a problem mostly because gambling is a whole lot like love. The correlation obviously is that I'm terrible at love. And do you know why that is? Because I must say that in general I am a lucky person. I win more often than not in the randomness that is life. The problem is that I don't know when to walk away from the table. I spend so much time building up my stash and bringing my self-confidence up and then that hand comes along where I just can't back down. You know you can't win so you just keep raising the stakes hoping you don't have to throw down the cards. I know the wise thing to do is to throw in the chips and say you can have this one, but I'm unable to just back out. I raise the stakes to the point where its all or nothing. And eventually, the odds just aren't with me and I crap out. This is sad. I need to quit this merry-go-round before I self-destruct.

Random List:

1: Everclear makes me cry on the inside.
2: Women will always confuse me.
3: I'm a sucker for pretty eyes.
4: Sometimes I go blind from alcohol.
5: Someone out there hates me.
6: Cats definitely hate me.
7: Women are a lot like cats.
8: My life is a series of fuck-ups.
9: No one who reads this blog cares.
10: My mom is psycho.
11: Love is a four letter word.
12: Time heals all wounds.
13: Words are sometimes insufficient to describe what we feel.
14: I laugh when I wanna cry.
15: I haven't cried since my Freshman year.
16: Tequila is better than Nyquil
17: Nyquil AND Tequila is better than horse tranquilizer.
18: I'm not allowed to die yet.
19: Sex is never the answer.
20: Love is never the question.
21: When life gives you lemons, you hand that shit back and ask for something useful
22: Tomorrow is another day.
23: Same shit different day.
24: Did I mention that women confuse me?
25: Cuz women are confusing/
26: Only one person can ever understand me.
27: She's probably in love with someone else.
28: Dogs only see in black and white
29: Dogs have it easy.
30. But I'd hate to get neutered.
31. But theres always neuticles.
32. This list is too long.
33. I'm still drunk

Let's Go Somplace Less Christian

We're free to fly the crimson sky
The sun won't melt our wings tonight
-U2, "Even Better Than The Real Thing"

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Well this past weekend was incredible. If I didn't have the scars to prove it, I'd think the whole thing was a drug induced hallucination. Good thing I don't do drugs because if my hallucinations were anything like my dreams they'd be pretty fucked up. For example, I dreamt last night that I was trying to beat the crap out of Rob in Ray's kitchen which then turned into a party where some models wanted to come over to my place to film a porno with me and Jack Black. Then on the way back Jack had to stop at a record store wherein he and I got into a debate on the appropriate music for the porno. End of dream. Now I could attempt to interpret this dream but I'm just going save us some time and go with Freudian theory and say that it probably has something to do with my mother and my penis.

And on the topic of parties with porno-loving women.... well... on the topic of parties, I must say that the party on Friday night was even better than expected. I got to show some girls the beauty of the beer bong and meet some new people. On Saturday, I got to see Evanescence for the first time in concert as well as discovering Revis (My new favorite up and coming band). After the show we discovered the night life at Vanderbilt University which seemed to consist standing in circles in the middle of campus. So we left for the bars where random Asians and girl named Cat could get us drunk and entertain us with erotic photo hunt and trivia. Sunday was simply a fantastic experience with everything from my all time favorite video game adaptation of horse racing to a unforgetable, first live performance of "My Immortal".

I wish I had something meaningful to say about life and stuff right now but I don't... so I'm going to make another list because Jake likes lists.

1: Jessica Baxter, if you are reading this... I am taking that picture of you down from my website. I don't need the hassle of being known as the Website Guy.
2: In fact, I'm taking the whole site down. It is an embarrassment. Ray destroy that link.
3: Semper Fi is fun to say when you are drunk with Marines.
4: If Ray ever tells you that you are definitely NOT somewhere, consider the fact he's probably wrong.
5: Always test your Pizza Hut beverage for toxic additives. You never know.
6: Lie to Ray often and then tell him it was a mind-fuck
8: Yoosuk is the worst name to have when meeting famous people.
9: Ladies Man is the best nickname ever.

HAIKU ATTACK!!!
Evanescence show
Had some nachos and Tofu
Then Ben mind-fucked Ray

And You Thought I Was Never Coming Back

I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand
-Evanescence, "Anywhere"

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Well I'm back. Thanks to popular demand and urine on my bed, I have no choice but to give the fans what they've been clamoring for. Free Beer! Wait, no, the last time I gave alcohol away someone pissed on my bed. But... you have been faithful enough to check my website for this update, so I suppose you should be rewarded with something. Maybe a thrilling recap of the events of the last few weeks in the form of a succint list:

1: Me stuffing a dollar into the pants of the lead singer of Juiced
2: Waking up on Saturday and finding my new bottle of Everclear empty
3: Trying to go to bed at 3 am and finding out you are lying in piss
4: The words, "You've ruined sex for me, forever!"
5: Playing ULTIMATE HETEROSEXUAL FRISBEE!
6: Several incidences of referring to myself as a kitten-like man beast
7: Anything else that might have happened that I can't remember because of alcohol/head injuries

Boy that was an exciting jot down memory lane! I'm so excited I'm going to tell you my theory on the gullibility of women. The theory is pretty basic, but applications are endless. It goes something like this, "Women want you to like them and they will basically do anything to keep you from hating them." This is why women have such a hard time turning men down. They don't want people to say behind their back, "What a bitch!" This, as I've learned from watching Sorority Life (MTV), is because this is what women do and they expect that men are also willing connive and talk about stuff that doesn't have to do with beer, sex, or sports. So if you keep this in mind you can basically get women do anything reasonably uncomplicated. For example, your hand is empty. So you say, "Hey , get me a beer." To which, she'll probably respond with a verbose, "What?" or "Pshh." (Now this is the tricky part, so watch carefully) You then give her an incredulous/outraged look that says, "Any decent human being would have gotten me a beer." but respond with a statement that is noncommittal and diametrically opposed to your expression such as, "Okay. I'm just asking you to get a beer." Of course she'll say something about you owing her or some BS but the important part is that eventually you get what you wanted by playing on her instict of appeasement. Now to all you ladies out there reading this, I don't actually use this technique. I mean I respect and love all women and would never- wait a second, what are you doing reading this when you should be getting me my beer?!

Excerp From Actual Dialogue of Yoosuk Choi:
Jen*: Do you even know what her eye color is?
Me: Green?
Jen: What?! Did you make out with her?
Me: What because I THINK her eyes are green?!
Jen: You did!
Me: You think I'm a MAN-SLUT!
Jen: Well you are.

Seriously folks. WTF. Do I really need this kind of treatment? Am I really deserving of such broadhanded generalizations? To voice your opinion call: 1-800-666-STFU

*All names have been changed to protect the identities of anyone who is willing to speak to me