On Sobriety, Sorority Girls, and Superpowers

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W.C. Fields

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So, this weekend has been a uniquely sober one. I spent most of Friday night convincing girls that I was sober. Go figure. This is not a problem a person should have. I don't think it's a compliment that no one believes that I'm sober when I'm drinking Pepsi all night.

On a positive note, I found out that sorority girls are more powerful than God. If you don't believe me, check out the irrefutable proof right here. The only thing I don't get is why sorority girls are always depicted as being sluts. I mean really? If so, why don't I see more naked sorority girls? Mysteries that will probably never be solved.

Also, I discovered that my gigantic head apparently makes it a prime target for water bottles at football games. I swear I was hit at least 4 times by full water bottles. Luckily Laudando was standing behind me and deflected fully half of the incoming projectiles. If this is my superpower, I want a fucking refund!

Random Scary Thing to Happen:
Me and Brett are walking back from the bars at about 2 in the morning. Brett is drunk. I am sober but feeling goofy. We pass a group of Asian peeps laughing having a good time. Brett and I decide to act nerdy and talk about nerdy stuff because we are amused by stupidy.

Me: My 8th level wizard could kick your ass!
Brett: Well I would use the secret code... left, right, a, b....
etc...

You get the idea. So we pass them and I suppose we made some sort of cultural faux paus that enraged their Oriental heritage because soon the Asians had linked arms in some Voltron type formation and started chanting in their own tongue as they bore down on us with horrible speed. I, also being Asian (if you don't know me or haven't guessed from my name), thought to calm their rage by sacrificing the white one but Brett chose that moment to scream in horror and run. This left me with no choice but to take evasive action also. When we regrouped further down the block, we both agreed... that was weird.

Punching the Waterbra

You punch me, I punch back. I do not believe it's good for ones self-respect to be a punching bag.
-Victor Hugo

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On the upside, the other day a girl (whose name I don't know) punched me! When I asked her why, she replied, "I have no idea why I did that." She was obviously flirting with me. My magnetic personality is drawing women (along with their fists) to me. Sometimes I even amaze myself. That's because I'm easily confused.

I'm very pleased to see the abundance of responses to my random question of my last posting. So I'm going to continue in along that path by asking the question, "The waterbra, incredible invention or misleading contraption?" My personal feelings about this is that it's going one step too far. The push-up bra is one thing. After all, it enhances what's already there and increases the amount of cleavage an average man sees in his lifetime. Meanwhile the waterbra simply preys upon the natural weaknesses of the male mind. This along with the invention of butt-pads (pads woven into undergarments to give your butt more shape and lift) could cause many a drunken misunderstanding after hours. Woot! Imagine the hilarity to ensue...

Random Pronouncement of the Day
When I am drunk, I would like to be referred to and will only answer to the name, DJ Poppa Highlight.

Of Men and Buildings

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
-Katherine Mansfield

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Let me tell you the story of a boy, nay a man, a man who defied all odds and reached a plateau that only the daring can dream about. This mighty story begins on the blasted landscape that is the Purdue University campus. Within the kinda chilly confines of the VPA building, one man alone (everyone else there was female!) toiled. He worked for several hours and produced... two contact sheets imbued with all the mediocrity that could found be in his brave soul. This man and his deed will live forever in the minds all those that dimiss his pictures as mediocre and read this story. Live forever in the question, "What?? He wrote a story about that?"

Ever wonder why pleasure domes are always domes? It's obviously because pleasure domes are inevitably sexually suggestive due to its curvacious nature. They remind us of rounded thighs and bountiful breasts. Domes are feminine in nature and since this has been a male dominated society at least up to recently, pleasure buildings are domed. On the other hand, objects to inspire fear and to intimidate are phallic shaped. That's why skycrapers are skycrapers. Hey everyone look at my building. It's bigger than yours! This is what makes me wonder about the Egyptians. What the hell were they thinking? Pyramids?

Random Question:
At what point do you go from a friend to a friend with benefits?

Gravity is Increasing on Me

I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer

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What a girl wants? How should I know? That's ridiculous. Let's talk about something simpler. If Time/Space can be thought of as a fabric and each individual object with gravity as existing as a weight that bends the fabric, then as the gravity of an object increases to infinity the object can be thought of as a hole in the fabric (in Space/Time) as in the case of a black hole. Thus if it was possible for something to pass through said hole... it would be outside of Space/Time as we know it. Possibly this would put the object in another dimension. Another dimension where the sky could be blue, or where Hitler won the war, and maybe just maybe women would make sense.

I'm not quite sure if its worth the risk and almost certain death of jumping into a blackhole on the slim chance that girls might make sense. In fact, I only considered it for a second... or two.

Not that I'm suicidal. Suicide just seems pretty foolish to me. I mean, if I didn't want to do anything with my life the least I could do is use my life to make others happy. I could at least devote my life to finding and ridding the world of Carrot Top. Maybe find out where missing socks go? Go to movies and find the guy with the smart ass comments and shut him up on threat of decapitation? Force the recording industry to realize that music can't be sold on CDs for $20 a shot anymore? I mean there's so much to do and so little time.

Nicest False Statement of the Week:
You are a sweet guy and any girl would be lucky to have you.

Poor Humphrey Bogart

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone.
-Harriet Beecher Stowe, "Little Foxes"

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Today I learned that I'm an asshole. Wait! Quick edit, replace the word "learned" with "was reminded". Actually what I did learn was the myriad of ways in which I can be an asshole. I'm learning every day, again and painfully again! I'm really quite diversified. I don't wanna bore people after all. What I don't understand is why women have to go into such detail when telling a man he is an asshole. I mean 90% of the time, we know we are. So, technically this is the easiest and should be the shortest part of the conversation. Not so. Yet this is always the focus. I can't ever seem to be sorry enough.

I don't feel sorry for myself and I certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Pity is what you give when you have nothing else to give. You give pity because you don't want to give anything else. That's why you give pity to ex-significant others, bums, and that fat kid everyone makes fun of on the playground. What I want is a movie ending. I want everything to be okay. Then I can tell a stupid joke and everyone will laugh and the camera can pan out.

Of course when the moment comes down to it, nothing works out. I break it down,"We can argue forever but it comes down to one decision. You can stay with him or you can go with me." In the movies, I'd get the girl. That's the way its supposed to work right? Sorry guess not. Well, I'm no Humphrey Bogart that's for sure (For those of you who were confused that's a Casablanca reference hiding a When Harry Met Sally reference).

Random Comment To Respond To Ray's Smart-Ass Comments:
Memories don't fade. That's why they're memories because you remember them. After they've faded, they're not memories. They're just stuff that happened that nobody knows about.

Tortured Poet The Sequel

I look at the world
and I notice it's turning
while my guitar gently weeps
with every mistake we must
surely be learning
-Beatles,"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

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::::(EDITED AND CENSORED FOR DRUNKENESS)::::

Life is good. Sex is an act. Love is fragile. Time passes. Memories are forever.

Random Memory:
I wrote a love letter to Andrea Koen in the 3rd Grade but I was always afraid to give it to her. On the last day before Andrea left for Muncie, she played me in air hockey and we shared a moment. I held her hand and smiled. She smiled back. I didn't have the balls to give her my letter. To this day I will never know if she would have liked it or not.

Crazy?! I Wish

Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me.
-Sigmund Freud

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Sometimes I wish I had multiple personalities. Then when I felt lonely, I could just talk to myself. When I'm sad, I'd simply become someone who didn't hurt so bad. When I'm angry, I'd simply change into someone who didn't give a damn. I could be everything I wanted to be. That and if I murdered someone, I could always plead insanity.

Too bad I'm not really crazy. It'd be nice if I was but I ain't. Being insane would be a whole new way to look at the world. I could see things from a whole in perspective, get a grasp of what it means to be alive again. Mental illness doesn't have to be a bad thing. Remember that movie, Shallow Hal? I'd like that disease, wake up one morning and suddenly all the fatties of the world have turned into hollywood model types. Or maybe all I need is a chemical imbalance... one that makes me happy all the time. It's probably out there but no one hears about it because everyone is too focused on those whiny bastards that tend the opposite way.

That just proves to me that depression and happiness are just illusions of the mind. It doesn't matter if you're a CEO of a big company or a third world factory worker, your chance of being happy in the world is still wholly dependant on your mental health not the size of your wallet or family or penis or whatever. Life is what you make it and if you think for a second that you have to be unhappy then maybe you should get your head checked because you just might have a mental illness. Maybe the world has an illness. We're all sick and not in a cool snowboarder way. There's something wrong when people accept depression as a common occurence and think that the answer is to pop a few more pills and go on with their depressing existence.

Self-Portrait in 5 Words
Torn
Frozen
Snowing
Flying
Falling

Due to Popular Demand

Your blog is going to be every true blogger's nightmare.
-Chimeraged

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Well those of you who read my last blog entry, know that it was a little guy orientated and didn't relate at all to a large part of my reading audience, namely the beautiful ladies out there (wink). Yeah, baby. Those of you who didn't read it, well screw you lazy bastards that won't even take the time to scroll down and read it! Anyway, this one is going to be chock full of beauty tips, guy tips, and other crap that also comes in a Cosmo.

Beauty Tips:

1. Did you know that in a pinch, you can use highlighter as lipstick!? Amazing! So next time you're in class and you need to freshen up, just crack open a highlight and apply that radioactive looking crap to your lips. If anyone asks why your lips are that color.... tell them you just ate a popsicle. Yeah, a popsicle made out of neon highlighter fluid.

2. Have you ever gotten up late for class? Of course you have. Well here's my tip for freshening up in the morning on your way to class using only a gluestick and a cotton swab. Use the cotton swab to get your eye crusties out, take care of any boogers, and swab clean your teeth. The order in which you do this is all personal preference. Then you use the gluestick to get any stray hairs and pesky cowlicks. Almost done! Now as you're walking to class throw the gluestick at the first sorority girl that looks askance at you and your freakish gluesticked appearance. When she attacks you along with her sorority sisters in an all out bitch-pounding, dial Oprah. Now Oprah will hear about your terrible persecution for being a freak and get you a free makeover! And then of course you go to class looking all fly. Go girl!

3. Pickle and coffee mask. Its a miracle cure. Do you have terrible wrinkles? A overly large nose? Just ugly? Use a pickle and coffee mask. Its simple first you dump the coffee out of the coffee can. Then place the can over your head. Now glue the pickles onto the can so it looks like it has eyes. Voila! Not only does it keep others from having to look at you, it doubles to keep you from seeing all the other people with coffee cans on their heads.

My Tips for Understanding Guys:

1. If you ever have a question about what a guy will do in any given circumstance just involving sex or food ask yourself one question. "What would an oversexed, 200 lb puppy do?" Most of the time the answer will be "Eat it!" or "Hump it!".

2. If the question involves anything relationship related and you wanna know how a guy will react, it takes more complicated thinking. Simply, spin around in a circle until it becomes difficult to see clearly. Then try to ask the question backwards... this should come close to duplicating the thought process in a man's mind usually vocalized with, "Uh, but.... uh bdaada... iam..."

3. Yes, we don't know what it is about them. We know every girl has them. And YES, we do have to play with them.

Horoscopes

Pisces: You will think your butt is too big in 5 seconds.
Cancer: You will realize that your butt really is too big in 5 seconds.
Libra: You will realize your friends butt is too big in 5 seconds and this will cause you to realize your own butt is too big.
Taurus: You laugh at this horoscope for 5 seconds, then realize your butt is really big and that's no laughing matter.
Aries: You will look at your butt in the mirror in 5 seconds... then you will do it again in 5 seconds... nothing will have changed.
Cancer: Your butt will realize that you are too little in 5 seconds.
Leo: Your butt will increase in size proportionately to your anger at this horoscope for 5 seconds.
Scorpio: You will live a long and prosperous life, despite your large butt which will follow you forever!
Aquarias: You are very brave for reading this far.... but your butt is still too big!
Sagittarius: You have 5 seconds to comment on this blog or your butt will explode in 5 seconds!

Yet Another Critique

Make money. Make more money. Make other people make money.
-L. Ron Hubbard, Inventor of Scientology

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On Episode II, I have this to say. You can argue all you want in fancy cinemotographicalical (sp?) words about the worth of Lucas's vision and his grand scheme, but there's only one thing I know for sure. Attack of the Clones failed to make me think, retain my interest, or even keep me from bashing it on the internet. All the arguments that I've read in favor of the prequels have based their judgements on one principle, that I am too dumb to understand the nuances of film and thus render a proper (positive) review. Well I think that film, especially in the American market, serves the purpose of entertainment. Thus when me, my friends, and the vast majority of the movie-going audience feels rather uncomfortable having to watch three hours of Christenson and Portman playing with CGI dolls someone (Lucas) has failed to make a "good" movie. Oh and yes, I do think of them as Christenson and Portman because not for one second am I "immersed" in the visual fantasy that is Star Wars: Actors in a Blue Room nor do I ever think to myself, "Go Anakin, go Padme!".

Sorry about the rant. I had to get it off my chest. Sorry, I know some of you (Ali) might disagree with me but that's why I have a comments link. I'm also angry at Charipar for exposing my photo paper but I won't bother to write a scathing review. Instead of this, I should probably spend more time lifting weights and such. After all I am starting my career as an amateur model. Actually I'm only posing for my friend but still she's paying me in smiles so I think I should start taking it more seriously. Anyway, I have class tomorrow in the morning so I'm going to go watch tv until I can't keep my head up anymore. Can I get a "Hell Yeah!" for infomercials? I didn't think so.

Randomness:
Hilary Duff! What is wrong with her video? Why you gotta steal his clothes? Then you live out creepy fantasies with strangers?! That guy didn't even look like he knew her! She's having some sort of demented illusion that the guy wants her and he's so yesterday?

Hopeless Everywhere I Go

She who did not come, wasn't she determined
nonetheless to organize and decorate my heart?
If we had to exist to become the one we love,
what would the heart have to create?

Lovely joy left blank, perhaps you are
the center of all my labors and my loves.
If I've wept for you so much, it's because
I preferred you among so many outlined joys.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, "Blank Joy"

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Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. More often we repeat them hoping for different results. Is that overly optimistic or is it sadly fatalistic? There's gotta be some sort of chaos theory that states that its impossible to completely relive our mistakes. That's my life... history repeating itself. Of course if history has taught me one thing, its don't get involved in a land war in Asia.

I keep getting older but I never feel like I'm maturing. It's like I'm not learning anything at all. Or maybe the world is just outpacing me. Everything is getting complicated faster than I can understand. Of course I'm working with quite a handicap when dealing with women to start off with. I liken it to being lost in a maze, except blindfolded and drunk with a monkey on my back... punching me in the back of the head. Yeah... a lot like that.

Random Link:
Retarded Animal Babies

Appa Kappa Lappa Eta Meta Cheta Tau...

Well this is just typical, getting women pregnant! Only a man would do a thing like that!
-Chrissy, "Three's Company"

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I'd like to dedicate this blog to the late John Ritter and what I remember of him and his portrayal of Jack Tripper. Jack Tripper, a man I could admire, lived with two women and was often thought gay while somehow being a cook and a womanizer. Most importantly, despite his desire to bang hot chicks with bad 80s perms, Jack always did what was right even though this meant he never got the hot chick. This self-sacrificing and often humiliating nobility is what I try to emulate in my own life. Also Bronson Pinchot who portrayed Balky Bartokomous is pretty cool too.

Anyways, last night I somehow got involved in a trip to Appa Kappa Lappa (not real Greek letters), got smoked out, picked up by Laudando on the street, and taken to Wendy's which turned out to be a McDonalds. Incredible. More on this, in... never.

Random Person to be Recognized:
Greg Tracy - For Helping Me With My Greek Letters

Crazy Tripped Out Link (Watch When High)
Badgers!

FREAK OUT!

Of Stellar Bodies and Dust Particles

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
-Albert Einstein

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So, I'm drunk right? Well, I think I deserve it after spending 7 hours in the photo lab today. Seven hours! And I only got 5 good prints. I hate dust. Its everywhere!!! The reason the world is so dusty is because the world has no way to clean itself. Yeah that one was for Ray. Don't worry if you didn't get that because it wasn't really that funny. Moving onward. To a final destination unknown. The final frontier. Stardate..... shit. That one was for Miller-X. Would you like your own personalized joke? Well then email me at choi8@purdue.edu and I will try my best to ignore all the pron (porn?) spam you send me. Don't worry, you're not the only one that's confused. So is my imaginary friend Stitch. Not the one from the movie. The lesser known, non-movie star. Yeah....

Random Piece of Conversation from Photo Lab:
Me: Right in your black hole?
Lindsay: Yeah, right in my black hole.
(Yeah, dig the sexual innuendo)

Aye Aye Captain

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-Mitch Hedberg

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Self destructive behaviour. Why? Because I hate myself. Hate your parents? No, maybe it's because you hate the fact that you're just like your parents. Opposites attract? Maybe you just want someone as unlike yourself as possible? Granola? Chicks hate me. Sometimes I'm even inclined to agree with them. Moreover I think I deserve it most of the time. Why? Maybe because I hate my parents and my family and the abomination that they have produced and would like nothing more than to see their creation FAIL. If I have to captain that sinking ship to see to it that it reaches the depths, then so be it.

Obviously, not feeling very positive right now.

I think it was Alexander Pope that wrote in the Essay of Man that we all have our place and it is not for the horse to question where the carriage is going. Well I think Mr. Pope was an idiot. In fact, I will now be referring to him as Mr. Poop. On that note, cue the music!

(Mr. Poop Theme Song)

Mr. Poop: Yoosuk you seem depressed.
Yoosuk: Well that's because life sucks.
Mr. Poop: Don't worry life has a meaning and is ultimately good.
(Yoosuk punches Mr. Poop in the face)
Yoosuk: HAHA
Yoosuk: Life does suck! Say it Poopy! Say it!
Mr. Poop: Noooooo
(Mr. Poop explodes)

(Mr. Poop Theme Song)

Random Person To Be Recognized in My Blog Today:
Mike Szalay

Attack of the SuperEgo!

Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.
-Sigmund Freud

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So I own (I'm not sure how) this towel. Its got puppies with an American flag behind them. You know, the kind you find in giant bins at Walmart for $1.97? It's irresistable. I mean how can you hate puppies AND the American flag. What marketing genius came up with this one? Two things no socially well-adjusted man is allowed to hate and here I am drying my butt off with it.

Speaking of my butt. Why do opposites attract? It makes no sense. I hate myself. My self-loathing is the root of all my self destructive behavior. Its my superego (ooh Freudian) trying to force my ego into some sort of compromise with my id. Follow? Good. You may leave now.

Random Link:
Jacky's infinitely more interesting diary

Hot Spots and Flip Flops

75% of statistics are made up.
-Yoosuk Choi

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When I hear crazy things on the internet, I usually believe them. However, in this case, I have first-hand experience to know that the people of MSN are monkey-faced liars. I mean, America's 8th best city for dating? (insert contemptuous laughter) During my ill fated time as an engineer, I sat in classrooms with hundreds, nay thousands, of hopeless technowizards who could sooner program a woman as get one to talk to them in a social situation.

But let's not focus on Purdue's dismal lack dating scene. Instead let us gloat about the $20 dollars won from my poor unsuspecting Brother in 4 rounds of No-Limit Texas Hold'em!

(GLOATING)

Whew! I'm done. Sorry Mondi.

(GLOATING)

See that? I said I was done but I wasn't! I totally mindfucked you.

RANDOM SILENCE:
....................................

Smells Like Pumpkin Club

Frankly, you're beginning to smell and for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.
-Rizzo in Midnight Cowboy

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So anyway, I told the guy it was my ear. Get it? Of course not because you aren't in the "Starting Conversations in the Middle" Club. Don't worry neither am I. I'm an unsanctioned loner just trying to make a buck on the side here before the Club Police crack down on me.

Well, this past weekend was incredible. Friday, I did my laundry and stuff. Saturday we had a kickass party with about 40 people I've never met before and freshmen were everywhere and Drunk Barbie was there and Caps got digits and WHORE got digits and --- Well I digress. Did mention my new iron I got to use on Friday? Exciting stuff, let me tell you. Oh yea... you did read that correctly. Whore got digits from a real live human female. If this doesn't immediately shock you check out my newly revised homepage (free advertising!) and look under Crow Pictures and reaquaint yourself with Whore.

AND I discovered that I smell like pumpkins when I sweat. (Who needs cologne?)

Anway... I told the guy it was my--- What? You've already heard that one? Sorry, I can't make new short term memories like... What was I saying?

Shoot Me! I'm a Star!

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
-Jackie Mason

---

First, I'd like to mention some strange things that have happened to me recently.

Number one, this morning I went to my A&D207 class and I was the only male to show up. That's right, 20 girls and me. Of course, this is the day that we're discussing controversial photographs. Now this may not seem uncomfortable at first, but this situation turns everything I think into a potentially sexist comment. For example! The TA puts up a slide for comment. Now... this may actually be sexist but the first thing I notice is, "Hey! Her boob is hanging out of her dress!" But apparently no one else notices. "That's harsh sidelighting.", "Her arm is well defined.", but no "What's with that boob?!" So feeling like the aforementioned boob, I say,"Her boob is hanging out." Thank you. Thank you. I AM quite observative. Discovery! As a man becomes outnumbered by the kinder sex, his comment proportionally become sexist.

Number two, someone is bringing and drinking Pepsi (product placement!) in my room. Not in a friendly visitor kind of way but... in a creepy ninja way. I've walked into my room to find opened Pepsi in my room. Even stranger, I just found an unopened can of Pepsi under my bed! Evidence! Evidence of an intention to return to the scene of the crime and repeat their sick and twisted masquerade of Pepsi drinking. Well I've got a surprise for my unwanted visitor. I've replaced the Pepsi with a Caprisun! Take that!

Number three, I pissed blood the other day. My kidneys are in bad shape I think. Lovely. I'm too distressed to talk about this...

Random List of Stuff I Wish I Had Written on a T-shirt:
1: Your Daughter is Hot
2: Porn is for Everyone!
3: Tom is a Fag
4: I Lust You
5: I Kick Biker Ass
6: Kiss Me, I'm Armed
7: Necrophilia: Its not just for dead people!
8: Rice Powered