Scoring Digits!

You don't know me,
But you make me so happy.
-Tommy Tutone, "Jenny (867-5309)"

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Have you ever wondered if you could fly? If you really believed? Maybe the only thing holding us back is our own insecurities. Maybe if we dared to have faith we could transcend our earthly bindings. Somewhere out there people must believe. And somewhere out there someone will die of a 12 story fall to the sidewalk. But that's besides the point. The point is don't let silly things like reality and the sidewalk stand in the way of your dreams.... or stuff... like flying.

Well, I was doing my laundry today at 3 in the morning. Like I do. When I find two girls with Caps in the basement. One drunk, one high-schooler. Something is wrong with that. Number one, it's Caps with women. What else was wrong with that? Someone had stolen some of their clothes and shoes and IDs. Talk about weird. I don't think this should be happening. Someone should really keep tabs on these drunk girls. I mean its just not safe to go wandering into frat houses like that. I mean what if someone less savory than myself or Caps had found them. Luckily Caps did find them and I was conscriped to drove them home like the gentleman I am. Sadly, one of the girls kept calling me TooSan and eventually TwoTone. On the bright side, I got her phone number. On the downside, it was 867-5309. Probably because I told her my name is actually Tommy.

Random Thought:
I would feel safer if the world was protected by Superheroes even if it meant that our world was constantly under Supervillain threat. It would help if they were blonde and wore hot latex outfits. Yeah, that's peace of mind.

Kill Me, I'm All Alone

You didn't think it would be that easy did you?
-Lucy Liu, "Kill Bill Vol.2"

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Well its been a weekend. Notice the lack of descriptor for weekend.

Friday can be summed up in one moment. I walk into my room. Loud music. Drinking games. Women! Looks like a party! Wait... wait just a second. Who are these people? Who is this girl downloading shit on my computer? Who is that guy eating my vanilla wafers? So I say it, "Who the fuck are YOU PEOPLE?!" Their answer: To stare at me like I'm the one out of place. There's a party in my room and I'm not invited. So I go to Denny's.

Saturday, the hilarity continues when I awake at 2 pm. Time to get another bottle of SoCo and get ready to see Dave Chappelle. I come to one stunning realization. All our racial stereotypes are now propagated through comedians. The world is so politically correct, we have to teach our children prejudices by making them listen to black comedians who make fun of blacks, asian comedians who do bad impression of their parents, hispanic comedians who make fun of latino booties, and white comedians who make jokes about how they aren't cool enough to be black. It's to the point where no one is even really racist anymore. Everyone just thinks everyone else is because after all comedians are more observant than mere mortals. It's to the point where I can't kid around about my own Asian heritage because someone looks at me like, "I can't believe he said that!" and I get worried too. Like, "Damn... maybe I should be offended." What has the world come to? What if I make jokes about other races? At least that makes me an equal opportunity racist, right?

Sunday... no sleep.... hungover... lets run 3 miles. Terrible idea. I felt like dying. Yet the worst thing about Sunday was deciding to see Tarentino's latest flick. Kill Bill is actually the least plot intensive movie EVER! Just try to imagine a movie that has as little plot as possible. The very minimum. Like if it was air... you'd die if you had a breath less of it. Now take that and divide it in HALF because you only get half a story with Kill Bill Vol. 1. Amazingly Tarentino is able to break all boundaries and film convention that says that movies had to have a beginning and an ending. Amazing! Not only that he brings the action of an anime to live-action. Well... kinda... it doesn't look as good and it's a lot more expensive and the actors have to act kinda woodenly to match the dialogue and the plot is set up like a bad comic book. Other than that its almost as good as seeing Ninja Scroll. Woot! Congratulations Quentin, you've officially topped The Story of Ricky-O for most pointless use of gore in a movie.

CONGRATULATIONS! You Win Nothing!

Comments are the fuel that powers new entries.
-Ray Pawulich

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Announcing my winners of my Comment on My Site contest:

FOR MOST COMMENTS OVERALL:
RAY PAWULICH
FOR MOST PROMPT COMMENT:
RAY PAWULICH
FOR MOST SARCASTIC COMMENTS:
CHRISTY DODGE (this was close, sorry Ray)
FOR MOST COMMENTS ON ONE ENTRY:
RAY PAWULICH, CHRISTY DODGE (Whore, sorry double posts don't count)
FOR LONGEST COMMENT:
MARYANN GARBER (on boobs incidentally)
FOR BEING MY FIRST COMMENT:
MARYANN GARBER (other than myself)
FOR BEST GUEST APPEARANCE:
MELISSA JORDAN (on the neuticles incident)
FOR BEING THE GUY I DON'T KNOW:
MATT (Yes, Evanescence IS cool)

AND THE OVERALL WINNER IS.....

NO ONE! (Because there's nothing to win, maybe if more people commented and Ray wasn't obviously going to be the winner I'd get a prize or something)

It's Rotting My Brain!

You make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable,
Unphotographable.
Yet, you're my favorite work of art.
-Frank Sinatra, "My Funny Valentine"

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Since my purchase of a TV this semester, I've noticed a few things.

Number one, I was delighted to watch the MTV Bash of Carson Daly. An hour of Carson Daly bashing that I think should simply have ended with Ashton Kutcher coming out and revealing that Carson Daly's entire career was an elaborate joke devised by the MTV people. Then a 100-ton weight should have dropped on him (Carson), while Jennifer Love Hewitt laughed maniacally from the audience.

Number two, I saw a commerical for money the other day. Is this really necessary?! I mean the milk commercials were permissible. I mean it is an industry with competitors. Plastic commercials? Okay so there are alternatives out there. Paper or plastic. But MONEY?! What's the problem? Does America really have a problem with people reverting to the barter system? Is this where our tax money is going to? To advertising itself? This will seriously hurt my grass roots movement to make condoms a universal unit of currency. I'm so angry. I'd boycott money but...

Number three, when did MSNBC get so tongue-in-cheek? I just watched a segment on the Bible according to the Simpsons followed by interior decorating tips for Martha Stewart while in prison. I think they realize no one really watches their channel. If they continue to drone on in their best Walter Kronkite impression, no one notices that they are doing material that is on par with my writing. Favorite 80's cartoons, anyone? Is leads me to believe that most of the world operates on the principle, "If I'm not paying attention to it, I'm sure someone is." Way to pass the buck, world!

Random Poll
Do you think more people would read this site if I talked more about sex and drugs?

Randomn Movie Quote:
An enlightened man would offer a humble traveler shelter for the night and share a quiet conversation over a bowl of... CoCo Puffs.
-Chow Yun Fat as Bulletproof Monk

Computer Envy

I guess I’m a real asshole. All this time I thought I was kinda cool, but I guess I’ve been a douche bag all along.
-Carson Daly

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So anyway, I'm writing this blog entry on my uncle's pimped out 19" LCD monitor that's attached to a 2.6 Gigahertz processing beast. I feel inadequate, like at any moment this computer will realize where I've been and what computer I keep at home. "Is that some cheap Athlon CPU I smell on you?!" The proverbial lipstick on the collar. My head reels as I try to fumble out an excuse, "Its... its just till I can afford something better. I'm going to upgrade... I will." Yeah right. This sweet lady isn't going to buy that for a second. This harddrive is only on loan and knows right down to its silicon that I'll never master its like. Boo fucking hoo. Maybe I'll just play some X-box on the 65" HDTV sitting next to me. You icy whore! I don't need you! Wait... no baby. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Damn...

Filler

You're the hand that spins my revolver
When you push me away
-Revis, "Spin"

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I was going to post on this blog, but I'm feeling melancholy. So I decided to instead post a poem on my other cleverly named blog that I keep for that crap (And "yes" that's the best clue you will ever get to finding the address of that blog). For now I will leave you with a list of things I want to do right now.

1: Have a threesome with 2 blondes.
2: Have a Starbucks iced mocha.
3: Play a prank on Tom Green where I pretend to fake kill him.
4: And/Or Carrot Top.
5: Learn to play the piano.
6: Play Soul Caliber 2.
7: Start a Mindfuck club and then at the first meeting tell them it's all a mindfuck. Only those who understand that the announcement at the meeting is in fact the mindfuck will be accepted.
8: Soak in a bathtub full of hot, yet-to-solidify Jell-O mix.
9: Invent a time machine... go twenty minutes into the past and tell everyone not to read this entry because it's so bad.
10: Sleep

Arnold Will Rule the World! THE GOVERNATOR!

...and I'm the only politician to demand to have Arnold Schwarzenagger tarred and feathered.
-Duke from "The Critic"

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Sorry I haven't posted since the weekend. In my defense, I wrote an entry on Saturday evening. Well... I started to write an entry before I fell asleep on my keyboard and Ruch found me and pointed out that I'd typed enough V's for the evening. In the morning, I discovered that I had simply typed out the Live lyrics that I was hearing from my Winamp prior to the V's. On that note, I'd like to say thanks to all the alumnus for coming and making me feel young again.

As an aside - I am not Melanie's bitch.

Also this week, I discovered I'm still not very good at football. This however has not stopped me from displaying my unathleticism on the field. Here's to AXP football (1-2-0).

Okay, it's getting late and I've got a big day of class and fixing doors I broke while drunk tomorrow. So, goodnight and good fight.

Random Conversation With Mad Mushroom Chick:

Chick: What does your shirt say?
Me: Chicks hate me.
Chick: Really? Why's that?
Me: Because I'm an asshole.
Chick: Why would you tell girls that?
Me: I like to give fair warning.
Chick: I don't think you'll get a lot of girls that way.
Me: You're still talking to me aren't you?

2 Drunk 2 Cold

"In the sausage milking barn, that's where they turn sausage milk into baloney."
-Pete in a moment of clarity at Pizza Hut

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I wasn't going to write a blog entry tonight but when I turned on the TV the Carson Daly talk show was on. This wouldn't normally necessitate comment. However, this is the first thing I heard:

Wanda Sikes: Its about being drunk at the right place, at the right time.
Carson: (Chuckle) Tell me about it.

AAAARRRGGGHH. Understatement of the Millenium! I think that aptly describes how you, Carson Daly, a no talent ass-clown, is now hosting a talk show! Banging hot chicks! Making fat scrilla! AND! AND! Probably seen Jennifer Love Hewitt naked!

Speaking of no talent ass-clowns, I just finished watching 2 Fast 2 Furious. My life is in no way better for this. Thank god for the scene where Tyrese takes his shirt off or I would have really been peeved.

Oh? What have I been up to? Thanks for asking. I went canoing on Sunday in 50 degree weather. It was shit-tastic. There's something oddly engaging about watching the president of your fraternity piss himself in a canoe.

Random Piece of My Life:
Melanie: Do you have balls?
Me: Yeah, I have balls. I just have to find them.
Melanie: Not those balls.