In My Reality, You're the Star

...and I've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking
no, they never got us anywhere
-Something Corporate, "Konstantine"

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If there's two things that really piss me off, it's women on reality TV shows and babies. They're very similar actually. They both have soft, creamy skin, demand attention 100% of the time, and they cry a lot. Well, women in general demand at least a majority of your attention most of the time, but not in the The-World-Revolves-Around-Me type of way. Maybe it's a by-product of having a camera crew follow you around and making you think people care about your bullshit drama. Or maybe it's just the casting. Either way, they piss me off. And if you have a baby and you're going out in public spend the 4 dollars an hour to get a flippin babysitter instead of subjecting all the other patrons of a given establishment to the incessant whining of your spawn.

Well that was random. How was my Valentine's Day you ask? Let's just say that I spent a lot of time on Saturday trying to convince myself that I really enjoy playing Risk (The Game Of Global Domination). So, other than being LAME... what I have been up to? Hmmm, I think LAME just about covers it. On the plus side, being single on Valentine's Day allowed me to make fun of the other guys spending ludicrous amounts of money on their girls. I'd laugh and I'd laugh. I'd keep on laughing right up until they left me to go have sex with those girls. Then I'd laugh on the inside because that's where all my imaginary friends live.

"Its a secret... I'm drunk!"

My Funny Valentine

Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
-Duncan Sheik, "Barely Breathing"

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Yay, it's almost Valentine's day! My second favorite and sometimes third favorite (leap years) day in February. The first is my birthday, of course. Though it does kind of suck having your birthday overshadowed by the media frenzy of Black History Month. I'm tired of Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver's nuts stealing my spotlight. But wait... this entry is supposed to be about Valentine's Day.

The key to being happy on Valentine's Day is simple. Be someone's Valentine. This may seem simple but I've somehow once again failed at this. The problem being of course that I'm single and emotionally unavailable. Yes that's right I said it. Emotionally unavailable. However, you can have your way with me physically. Just remember that when I cry afterwards it's not because of you it's because I have an acute fear that you will sober up and realize I'm naked.

However if you're not deterred by my deep emotional problems and still want me to be your Valentine, there are some ground rules.
1. You do not talk about Valentine's Day.
2. You do not talk about Valentine's Day.
3. Do not touch me lest ye be touched.
4. Presents are not guaranteed, they must be earned.
5. You must dress in a manner befitting a Valentine. (lingerie recommended)
6. Do not look me directly in the eyes.
7. When in public you will refer to me as Big Poppa Shongo.
8. All cuddling can and will end if my arm falls asleep.
9. You hair must be worn down.
10. At the end of the night, I reserve the right to null and void any promises I made earlier in the day.