When I See You Smiling

Cause I'm sick of not living
To stay alive
Leave me alone
I'm not asking a lot
I just don't want to be controlled
That's all I want
-Offspring, "All I Want"

---

I had a moment of clarity. I suppose things do seem a lot simpler when you wake up face down in the shower in a pool of your vomit. You realize and think about all the things people have told you. I didn't know why I drank so much last night when I started. Somewhere between those two bottles of rum and the bathroom floor you come to terms with your self-loathing. You analyze your life with a nonchalance that comes with realizing that you've hit rock bottom and knowing that thinking about the depressing things in your life couldn't possibly hurt any worse than having your dinner come forcibly back out through your nose. I realized that I like to make myself feel this way only because I can't deal with the pain within me.

I wake up every morning and realize that I'm alone in the world. Every day it seems like someone else is getting married or finding their true calling in life. Every day I wake up and realize that the only thing I want is to turn over and find my true love next me, have her say, "I love you.", and think deep down inside, "I know."

I know some people think that I'm not as deep as I think I am, but that doesn't keep me from feeling like these scars cut me to the bone. I may be shallow but when I cry its not because my fucking nail broke. I try and I try to ignore the pain in my life but all that just builds up until there's a day where I feel alone and empty. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but one day when I'm walking home in the rain or maybe in the sun, I realize that I can't control the pain that I feel by ignoring it.

Sometimes the only control I have over my life is the ability to fuck it up. So I take that opportunity. It seems stupid but when I wake up the next day and people tell me I'm an idiot, I take pleasure in telling them to fuck off. So what if I can't make you love me. So what if I don't know what I'm doing with my life. It's my life and I reserve the right to fuck it up.

I woke up today in the shower. I looked at my hand. I made it clench into a fist and I was proud of that. Fuck you.

You're Not Going to Believe This

Tonight your soul sleeps,
but one day you will feel real pain,
maybe then you will see me as I am,
A fragile wreck on a storm of emotion
-Anathema, "Fragile Dreams"

---

So I had this crazy dream the other day... (A Trip Thru My Subconscious - Fade Out)

(Fade In)
It starts out in a field. I'm not sure how I got there. I'm pretty sure it involves the Bundy kids from Fox's Married With Children, a prostitute, a Playboy model, and a red sports car.

Nevertheless a person then runs by and I give chase. She jumps over a sign and a disembodied voice declares "She's accelerated to over 100 MPH!" That's when I realize it.

She's using the Force.

I also realize at this instant that she's trying to infiltrate my school. So I activate MY Force powers. Do not question this. I have Force powers. In this dream it makes sense. Anyway, this chase ends as the infiltrator attempts a Matrix-like jump from the dumpster to the roof of the school. Sadly she kinda hits the side of the building like a limp noodle and she is captured.

(Cut to Inside of Futuristic Jedi Academy)
At this point in the dream, I've suddenly gained the knowledge that the infiltrator is an old friend of mine from the Academy. Her, some nameless dude, and I apparently are old chums. So this part starts with me going down to visit the chick in her cell. When I open the door to the cell, however, the nameless guy is there also. I step inside and turn my back to my friend to kiss the chick.

(Dramatic DUM DUM DUM!)
I've been betrayed! Don't ask me how but suddenly my friends and the whole academy is out to get me! So I block my friend's attempt to behead me from behind. This is where the lightsabres are ignited and some cool fighting happens.

After escaping my foes, I head to an abandoned wing of the Academy. This is when the disembodied voice informs me that, "He (me) is head for the artifact in the west wing!" I wasn't but thanks to the disembodied voice that's where I then headed.

Right to Cupid's Bow.

However, when I got there it turned out to be a Harp that was all tied with strings. That's when Aphrodite steps into the dream.

That's right The Goddess of Love.

She then informs me that I can't use the Harp because then anyone who hears it will fall in love with me. So I ask Aphrodite to play the Harp for me. I then untie all the strings and Aphrodite starts playing beautiful music. This goes on for maybe 10 seconds.

Then Steven Tyler from Aerosmith jumps out of nowhere and starts singing to the harp music and keeps trying to get me to sing with him.

(Suddenly the Setting is a Large Music Venue)
Steven Tyler jumps onto the stage and goes into a rendition of Don't Wanna Miss a Thing and pulls me onto stage. This is when I realize that I can't sing and I wake up.

(Fin)

This dream is now my craziest. It replaces the dream I had of teaming up with Vin Diesel to slit throats and save a damsel in distress from evil terrorists.

Random Fact:
I will seduce and make love to Scarlett Johannson. Cutlery be damned!

Are You Not Entertained?!

Seems like I've been here before
Seems so familiar
Seems like I'm slipping
Into a dream within a dream
-Tool, "Sweat"

---

Sometimes the worst thing about having nothing going on in your life is having to write about it for everyone else to read on the internet. That being said, I'll get right to my meandering and disjointed narrative of the last month in my life.

Like yesterday when I was able to bench 195 lb for the first time in recent memory. Despite my fear of being crushed, I was exhilarated. Lifting heavy stuff does that for me. It's like sex except less sweaty and not as hard on my back. I might have that backwards (or not). Sorry, it's been so long and my memory isn't what it was.

Spring break was fun. I realized that if I sit in a hot tub while I drink I'll get drunk without even realizing it. That in addition to the fact that I love KFC makes for good times.

I turned 23 recently. That was fun. I watched Matchstick Men. I'm old. Next subject.

Mike came to visit the week after spring break. We drank green beer and I tried to convince Ali to give Mike her shirt. This ended badly. Suffice to say, I physically tried to remove her shirt in a parking lot. I failed. Sorry Mike.

Oh and I've got to mention that the only person that I have serious personal conversations with anymore lives 1700 miles away and is actually my best friend's little sister. Weird? Yes, considering that I haven't spoken to Ray in weeks.... actually he said he was going to visit but nothing ever came of it.

Also as a sidenote - Lindsay "Stough-ho-ton" now thinks I am a pervert and pedophile. Thus adding Kentucky to the list of colleges where women fear me.